I'm in an up-cycle ... I'm sitting here, my mind spinning, my heart wide open, this manic energy inside swirling about, desperate for attention, conniving and manipulating as only a histrionic would know how. I hate this. But the addiction of attention feels so good that even though I know it's wrong to try to get it in the ways I want it, I don't stop. I get sucked in. Here I am. A year of being without any impulses, any serious cycles. ****. This never goes away, does it? And I feel at times like this that no one, no one can understand what this is like.