Okay, a hospital might not be what you need. Do you have a therapist? The thing to do is to reach out to someone who can help you, and let them know that you need some help. Telling us here is a start, but you need to get treatment. If you aren't going to act on that suicical ideation, and you don't want to be in a hospital, they won't make you. I've had some pretty bad suicidal ideation and nobody ever wanted to put me in a hospital.

Keep talking to us here, but find some help in real life too, ok?
{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>