I've always had low self-esteem. Never had a boyfriend and it was impossible for me to keep any type of relationship in highschool. Eventually, that changed and I found someone. I trusted that person with all my heart. I can honestly say I never doubted him once, EVER, but one day it all became a disaster. I happen to find out he was cheating on me and that just BROKE ME. It all caused me to go into depression; stopped eating, slept all day, quit school. The perfect image I had of him vanished, it all just went away... and I asked myself why me, how could I be so stupid... I simply told myself I wasn't good enough and was never going to be good enough in anybody's eyes.

Anyway, I ended up forgiving this guy and the relationship continued. However, from that day on I was never truly happy. The trust I had in him wasn't there anymore (he trampled on them.) I became paranoid, manipulative and extremely demanding. My thoughts were always of him cheating on me or leaving me and so I never let him go out, never let him do what he wanted because of that fear. I'd blame him for every single argument or fight we'd have. Things got so extreme we'd sometimes kick, punch and throw things at each other (HE was the one who began getting aggressive and I wasn't going to let him abuse me so I'd hit him back.) To make things shorter, I one day decided to get away from him and so I did. I packed up and left (yes we lived together, lol.)

Now that I'm with my current bf, I'm beginning to have the same exact thoughts. I dream we're arguing, I can't reach him somehow or that he's abandoning me. When he ignores me I get angry, I just want all his attention to be mine and MINE only ( I know this is not healthy.) This guy is nothing like my ex though. He's wonderful... so very quiet and kind to everyone. Practically nothing ever seems to bug him. I adore this person, still, when my paranoia starts to kick in all the wonderful moments we've had are replaced with doubt over doubt over doubt.... I question his every action, his every move.... He's explanations become excuses in my eyes, what the hell.... So much emotional pain I inflict upon myself without any sensible reason whatsoever, JESUS CHRIST.

This is where "SHUTTING DOWN" comes in, my new coping mechanism (so I think.) To shot down and turn a blind eye to everything around me, even acting as if I don't know him to cease the pain, anger and whatever other confusion I have.

I never want him to see this ugly side of me, but as things progress... this ugly side of me has been wanting to come out... I refuse to let it take over.