Thank you for your responce. I've adjusted to my melt down status and am pretty much back to me. I just felt so overwhelmed. I'm more clear on my direction but working on damage conrol for the time being.

I do not "hate" my husband in anyway, I just can't keep living a life that gets turned upside down once or twice a year (an usually at the worst times). I still feel he is doing some sort of "if you stay with me I'll ....." I've tried to tell him its not about me, it's about him being comfortable in what he has to do. If he isn't, as history has proven it'self, he will contiue to seek answers, not trust doctors, or me for that matter.

I've asked for a seperation of sorts, but he refuses to move out and I won't leave my son to be the buffer here. I'm trying to live with him in this house but every emotion he feels is in some way caused by me still. I've let go of alot of the anger, but I can't let go of me and what I feel I need, deserve and want or not want in my life.

I feel for him, truly, I do not wish this for him or us, but I can't seem to seperate myself from the episodes (I'm not sure how anyone can totally).