I can completely understand where you are. I've been on AD's for a long time, and probably almost all of them. Then I get the BP dx and have been through some real crap in a short time (4 months) with these meds. I've been on some hard stuff, had to wean off of multiple drugs (some at the same time due to allergic reactions or hallucinations or other crazy side effects). I often wonder if it's all worth it. I feel like if I know my dx, can't I just manage my condition without meds? Right now I am not even on a mood stabilizer and I don't see my new pdoc until July 2nd. I've been up, up, up totally hypo since the 15th or so. I need something to balance me out, I embarrass myself. I have no filter, I say things wrong, I am antisocial, and all of those characteristics aren't familiar to me. I was never this was until now. I don't know if I am better off on meds or not. I question it everyday. It's hard. Just want you to know that you are not alone.