Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Radio
Dark Heart x, I am sorry to hear everything that you've been though. It sounds very painful. I've don't have auditory or hallucinations now (had a few while I was in it). I'm also worried about my cognitive functioning, especially my speaking and thinking ability. I feel like, a lot doesn't come to mind like it use to. I hope you can see a doctor soon to help you out. What happened when you were on abilify? My doctor just changed me to that over saphris. I was in psychosis for a few weeks and I feel like it messed me up pretty bad, I can't get a grip on 5 years. My thoughts are with you. Good luck and remember every day that you wake up is a present from the guy above. Make the best of present even in times of turmoil.
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Oh thanks.
Really, it's not all that bad. I've just gotten used to it and half the time I figure this is who I am and should just accept it.
I mean, I've basically only had about 3 months in treatment when I was diagnosed, and then, you know, only like 4-5 appointments and then I didn't have the money to continue. So, really this is just who I am.
Sometimes I get freaked out, though, with my cognitive problems. It's like watching sand in a hourglass, slipping away. I hate having things like thought blocking, forgetting, can't read, can't think, confusion. I really see why some people feel like thoughts are being stolen right out of their heads. It happens to me more and more. And, that's when I get scared.
I don't want to fade away, but that's what feels like is happening when it gets bad.
During the 5 years, I had no idea it was happening. It is the aftermath that's really got me. Because, you know, all my friends knew something was wrong but did nothing to help me. I deal more now with my anger at the fact that it happened that way rather than the actual psychosis. I was pretty high functioning at that time, despite everything that was going on with me. And I felt I was a very powerful being. I was afraid of the "people after me," but I also felt extremely powerful. Like... movie magic powerful. It really blew my mind when I realized what had actually happened.
So, abilify does some crazy things to me. It makes my heart feel like it is about to explode, and races about 100 miles an hour. I have to stretch my arms and legs out perfectly straight, and grap onto anything I can and hold on for dear life while this happens. It's like the most intense panic attack, yet very hard to explain... I will never forget it, though. Once I made my brother-in-law bring me a hershey bar because I was convinced chocolate would make it stop.
When this wasn't happening I was always tapping. Fidgeting. Tapping my feet, fingers, rocking, snaping my fingers, pacing. It was crazy. I remember my mother-in-law looking at me while watching t.v. and saying "What the hell is wrong with you?" LOL.
So, no abilify for me.