((((hartford19)))) first WElcome and second, you are not alone hon.
I have a potpourrie of disroders and I have a really strong tendency towards OCD. I know how you feel, and I'm really stunned to read about your fears. I was never able to say those things aloud, but I had them in my mind all the time when my sweet little one was a baby, she is 7 now, and still I have to fight them sometimes, but they are not as strong.
Are you seeing a Therapist? If not I think this would be a good time.
What your counselor said?
Anyhow, please feel free to PM me anytime.
~hugs~