After months of being in general better, i had a meltdown since Monday night.
Once again about this man I can't let go of in my heart. Now he's left the town in which I live in the UK and moved to Montreal, Canada with his family (that's the absolute confirmation that he has family) and I will never see him again in my life.
I'm so distraught. I've invested so much emotionally in him. I haven't protected myself enough.
I need to be guarded more, not open my heart like this so much and then have nothing left when nothing comes of my longings.

I'm off work now (and am still on probation there!), as I am just a crying wreck without enough sleep.
I'll try to go in tomorrow, as I'm currently doing the destructive thing and go through everything that hurts me so much in my head again and again.

I better sleep or try to distract myself now.

I think I'll never ever have a relationship with a man or be really loved by someone. It was hard enough to give up on the wish for a biological child, but now I think I should just also give up to ever really be with someone. I'm not feeling loveable or worthy and get into this way of thinking that having hardly had a relationship at my age means that something is wrong with me. And being on my own (in the flat) I'm trying hard not to get into this spiral of thinking that it wouldn't matter really to anyone if I just wasn't here any longer. No dependants, nobody to leave behind... I shouldn't even go there.