Hello -
I don't think I've posted in this area, so many of you have not read my posts. Long story short - I need some real guidance at the moment. I have a significant problem with alcohol. Over the past decade alcohol has been a regular part of my life. Since 2011, my wife has voiced concern about my use. I shrugged this off since she comes from an addictive family, but the truth is I have a problem. I am a functioning alcoholic - barely and also deal with possible bipolar disorder and other stuff. I am married, hold a good job, raise two awesome stepkids, do most of the house work , etc. - and I also sneak drinks, use alcohol to relax, lie to my wife about drinking, and worst of all drink in the car, often before work or during lunch. Never to intoxications, but I feel I need it to relax. Drinking makes me feel at home, where my regrets and hurts are numbed for just a little while. If caughtm I risk my family, job, profession, self-respect )although this is gone now)...and really hursting someone...or risking jail. I can;t seem to stop doing this. I know I need help, but have some barriers I need to explain. I did AA for 4 months last year. I truly fely the people weren't good. They sigled me out as a "newbie", mocked people who came to meetings intoxicated ("Get the cotton out of your ears!), and to top it off, my sponsor admitted he was caught having an affair. Near where I live, AA is all about God. I don;t believe in God, and think it is ridiculous to make a random object my higher power. I really see the use of Smart Recovery, but there are no meetings in my area.
I do want to stop this, but I am afraid, lonely, and feel regret for my whole life. I wish I had a sober, healthly person to guide me...not sucked into "God is the only way" like AA near me. I have so much shame...and can even see a better life...but in the moment...I think "Sure, I'll buy a little more wine and drink it in the car." I want recovery - building a new life...but can;t seem to get there. If I go to rehab, I risk losing my career. I also tried outpatient treatment, only to find they spoke about random stuff...never the stuff I was dealing with. I dropped out after 4 weeks, not because I didn;t want it...but becaseu it was a waste of my time.
Anyway, I would love support from some people here...and to maybe forge some relationships that could help me stay on track. I have so much to lose...and just haven;t happened to lose it yet. I am afraid of what tomorrow my bring. Thank you.