March 3rd, 2013 I wrote this in my private journal.

"I've always wanted something tragic to happen to me so I can feel something important and real. I never wanted to have children until I thought I was pregnant.

I think [he] got me pregnant and also that I miscarried about two weeks later. My period was over a week late, my breasts were very tender and I had the worst abdominal pain of my life followed by a very heavy flow of blood for several days. It didn't feel or seem like a normal period and there were a lot of clots. I am 99% certain this is what took place. I am devastated, mostly due to my allowing myself to fantasize about having a child. A little blonde, blue-eyed boy.

I told [him] everything, even that I lied about being on birth control when we had sex. He reacted in a completely strange way. He told me he was sorry I had to go through it. I was kind of shocked and I'm not sure where we stand now. My prediction is a complete severance in communication on his part. More devastation..

I'm not sure what I think about having kids in the future. I want a child so badly now. It's a bizarre feeling. I never expected this. I never wanted to feel this way or to go through this. I just wish I knew if I were crazy or not, for certain. I was so sure I was pregnant. I'm disappointed and relieved, but mostly just devastated, like I said."

Has anyone else been through this? I try not to think about it but I haven't made peace yet..