Thanks for all your support and understanding. I really needed it in order to get the courage to make a call to my therapist. She returned my call within few hours and we have met yesterday. I couldn't talk about anything specific, as I still was in emotional turmoil. The talk steered toward my mom and I think she connected dots. I was able to some degree to get out some of the things thanks to her lead. I really appreciated that she was not judgmental of my mom or me, even more that she did not push to hard where I did not want to go. She noted that she is happy that I finally started to open myself. Of course, she still noted that with the internal work and help of medicine ( which I finally agreed to), we can make it through. I am sooooo blessed to have found someone like her as my first therapist. And to have found this forum to find a courage to speak. To not feel lonely.
My mind is on ease and I am no longer scarred of the thought. However, I chose not to deal with my discovery now, as I do not want to go back to the mess. I know I am not ready yet. My mom is actually "behaving" last few days, so I should be fine until her next outburst. "Luckily" my mind is to busy fighting the joint pain and trying to walk around and do chores, so I should be fine for while...Or at least, I can try to convince myself so.

Thanks again for being there to lean on. Thanks for being reminders that I can get where I would like to get. I am weak at the moment, but I do appreciate your signs to the place where it gets better. And I hope one day to follow your lead, so I can be there for someone else. Like you are for me and others like me now.