I understand the urge to si and that it, in its way, can bring relief. That being said, she is the one who was wrong here. I know I have the urge to si when hurt by the therapist too. I try to write, walk the dogs, get through just a few minutes without it and then a few more. If you do si, I hope you can accept you did the best you could at the time and try not to add guilt or shame about that into the already potent mix going on. You are coping with a loss, grief and sense of betrayal - that is a lot to go through.