So, I just came home from a date that was not only somewhat bizarre, but which also had a disastrous outcome - for me, at least. During the date, the guy seemed to be preoccupied with other thoughts, although he stopped to mention that I seem very lonely and that I don't seem to have any confidence at all. At the end of the date, he decided to let me know where I stand... and I quote, "I think you are a wonderful person, but I am simply not attracted to you in any way, and I don't see that changing." All I could do was simply accept it and go home.

The fact that this guy (who frankly, doesn't seem like a good fit for me anyway) rejected me isn't the point. In a way, I appreciate that he was up-front about it. It's the fact that I feel constantly that the likelihood of me ever finding someone who is right for me is virtually hopeless. Excuse me for living, I've got issues. I've been hurt, And it's true, I have no self-esteem. It's because I can't love the unloveable (meaning, me). I am a realist, okay? I think the idea that people who have no self-love cannot love others is absolutely idiotic. I have a tremendous capacity to love - I just can't love myself. And all right, I have been traumatized. Frankly, if you are alive and intelligent, you WILL be traumatized in this world, unless you're some perfect-looking, popular, cheerleader-type bimbo person (and if anyone reading this is such a person, I don't care that I am offending you, because people these days don't seem to care that they have offended me). Life is hard. And life hurts. And people rip your heart out of your chest and step on it. You have to get through it the best you can. Which is what I am trying to do - I am sorry that I seem unsure and pensive - I have tried, failed, been hurt, had broken spoons shoved into my sides, and my father tried to strangle me. So yeah, I am a little uncertain. If guys don't want to deal with a living, breathing person who has issues but who still has the capacity to love and to care and try again, then things are really hopeless for me. And it makes me miserable to think of it. Perhaps I should just forget about finding happiness, because I don't think it's feasible. Life is really cruel.