I don't know how to begin... so I'll just jump right in. I can't get a hold of my own thoughts and feelings. I always allow others to tell me what I think and feel... most of the time I don't know what I feel... other than fear and anxiety. My friend helped me take a test and found that I'm 82% DPD... that meant I have Dependent Personality Disorder. So, I read up on it soon after and found that yes... that described me and my actions and feelings towards others... I find it intimidating when having to do things on my own. I feel helpless and rely on others for most things. Especially emotionally. I need someone to need me or else I feel useless... like I have no purpose in life... other than to be needed. But here's the kicker... no matter how bad it gets I keep relying on whomever it is to be there. Even if that person treated me badly. This is how it was in a past relationship. I was a dog that had been kicked and yet always came back for more. In fact if I hadn't been kicked then I felt unloved. In the back of my mind I didn't want it, but yet I asked for it time and time again. Makes it sound so pathetic... I'm not ranting so that people will feel sorry for me... no way. I allowed this to happen on purpose so I don't deserve pity for the results. All I want to know is how do I prevent this from happening again? How do I cope with the current relationships I have with friends and with those I find myself "clinging" to... I'm a clinger... hang on for dear life even if it means giving up my own. I used to believe I was empathetic... but really I adopt the other persons views just so there isn't a confrontation... that shows how much I run away from fights or anything that may disrupt the peace I've conjured up in my mind. There's only one person I refuse to cling to... and that's myself. I've never relied on myself or my own decisions to guide me. I don't trust me. I can't make the right decision if my life depended on it.

So... how do I do it? How do I change my perception of myself? How do I make me a better person in my own eyes? How do I feel confident with my decisions? How do I even start to LIKE myself? Everyone says that I have to love myself... but how the hell am I supposed to do THAT? You see that's the problem... I'm told I HAVE to do this... yet I'm never told HOW! How???? My therapist said a while back ago, she'd give me coping skills... it's already past our 4th session... I'm going to request a new therapist... she probably doesn't realize I'm dependent on other people... whatever... I'm angry now because I don't know what to do... frustrated... at least I can label how I feel for the moment... that's a step in the right direction. I just don't feel like I'm doing this right...