Quote:
Originally Posted by daniellegillespie
Two years ago I found on my boyfriend of three years' cell phone these apps of "busty babes" etc. scantily clad women and two years ago I told him how much that bothered me (I was raised in a family where none of the males would ever do this, totally against our values) and he said he wouldn't. A few days ago I found out that his friend was texting him pics of naked or very near naked women and my bf was joking about them, encouraging them and even asking for specific ones. He broke his word to me and went behind my back for two years.
Also a few years ago he lied to my face and went to the strippers with his friend. When I asked him where he had been (even though I knew my mom had seen my car) he lied. He keeps doing things behind my back and lying to me and breaking my trust.
I think I love him and he is a good guy (he is pretty solicitous overall of me often showing me affection and appreciation) but how can I trust him when he keeps proving that he will do what he wants and if I get upset about it he will just do it behind my back? What words can I use to make him understand that the issue is not my insecurity and not me being controlling but him breaking my trust and betraying me without coming off as nagging?
I'm not sure I'm going to stay with him because I'm not sure that I can trust him or forgive him but I'd like to try. Also he hasn't yet taken responsibility for what he did and I'm so angry. I want to stop being angry and find out if I can forgive him.
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You want to forgive him, but that is a luxury you do not have until he is sincerely sorry for his actions. Which by the sound of it, sadly does not show any sign of that being the case, or that changing in the near future. You want to stop being angry, which is a noble desire, but do not give it where it's not deserved. In my view, he deserves your being angry as long as he's not sincere.
Stop and think: does he genuinely enjoy the time you two spend together? Does he seem to genuinely be in love with you, or just show you affection? It is very easy to show love and affection for someone for whom you have no feelings for. What you should try and do is determine if he's actually
in love with you. If he's not, then he's being disingenuous to you and wasting your time by not conveying his disinterest and leaving.
If he really has fallen out of love, I'm guessing it's unlikely his interest will return. You want to have a loving relationship with him, but do not pursue that unless you have absolute surety that he shares that desire as well. Do not fall into the trap of wanting to make things work with someone whom does not sincerely share that same goal.