I'm sorry your going through so much pain. It sounds like this guy is an awful person and you don't deserve to be lied to and manipulated. Him telling you that you should have died a long time ago is horrendous and I hope you can see your life have value, even if he wants to make you believe it doesn't. I would stay far away from this guy and ignore his calls, delete any texts and just avoid this guy. He sounds very toxic for you.

I'm sorry you are self harming again. I am in a similar place myself, just looking for a way to cope with life. Life is difficult and it seems like it throws everything to you at once and leaves you to pick up the pieces alone. If you want to talk sometime feel free to PM me. I find talking helps me and things seem less overwhelming. I hope things pick up for you.