Just got back from T....It was not a very productive session. Talked mostly about my frustration with my mom and how my life is headed for a train wreck and I can't seem to find the energy or focus to be able to steer clear of the destruction ahead.

Towards the end of the session, I mentioned that I felt good about my decision to discontinue group. He said something along the lines of, at least I made a decision. That was that. No talk about the discontinuation process or closure. I should have asked, but I was feeling a bit closed off at that moment. *sigh*

I'm not sure how I feel about it at the moment. I'm hurting, that something I know for sure. I am scared that I will regret my decision. At the same time, when I think of all the stress group causes me, I feel pretty confident that it's not something I can continue to endure. And there will be some big changes coming - new member (always stirs up anxiety for me), new co-T (added frustration cuz the notes will come later), and the member who made threatening comments will be returning (I feel humiliated by reaching out to him and getting nothing in return. I want nothing to do with him.) Add to that, the fact that I can't seem to tolerate being in a room full of people who now know about my past CSA - and my discomfort/silence is draining the room of energy (according to my T). And I pay for all of that. I'll be saving over $2,000/year by not going.

On the flip side, I've grown to care for many of the members and know that some would be supportive of me through my ups and downs. I also gain a lot of insight during the sessions. And I will be losing being part of something that has the potential to bring a lot of awareness and value. They are the one and only IRL group of people that I have, really.

I don't know.