*HUGS likelife*

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and that you are really struggling with dealing with it. I'm someone who tries very hard to always see the good in people, and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, but even I am having a hard time justifying the way your exT is acting. It sounds like she is trying to hold fast to these boundaries she has set without any real regard for how it might be affecting you right now. You don't deserve that, and I'm really sorry.

I hope you can find a way to deal with your feelings that isn't SI. Ten years is an incredibly long time to have gone without doing it, and, if I can be blunt, I don't think this person is worth you breaking that record over. Many people here have suggested different outlets for you to try to get out your anger, and I hope you can try some of them, or other ones that you might have. For myself, when I am angry with someone, I write. I write a letter to them (which I will never send) and I say whatever I want in it. I just write and write and write, sometimes many different letters, until I get it all out. And if I can't write, I put on a voice recorder and I just talk about it. Or, I call a friend that can just listen and be there for me while I vent. I think it is important to get the feelings out, and I really hope you can find a way to do it that doesn't include harming yourself.

You are an incredibly wonderful and valuable person, and I know that you can make it through this. Please keep reaching out on here if it helps you - we are here for you!!

Sending you thoughts of strength and courage, and lots and lots of hugs!

Ness