Quote:
Originally Posted by adam_k
I agree you have the right to be upset. It is not pleasant finding out about things about a spouse's past. People hard things for many reasons, but guilt and shame is a usual theme in most people's deception. Could she be ashamed of things she did in the past and that is why she never talked about it? We do stupid and things we regret as we go from teenager to adults.
Did you ever ask about her past, or did you assume she would share it on her own? Sometimes it is easier to forget things we regret, than dwell on our regrets of the past. There are several things I have done I wish I could undo, but the truth is you can't. It took me a long time to even tell my wife about them. It is expecialy difficult when you are held responible for those things and causes issues in the present. As difficult as it is for you to here those things she has done, it is probable just as difficult for her to accept and live with it.
I think most people try to portray the best in themselves, expecially to those we care about. It may be deceptive, but there isn't malice behind it, but it is out of caring and compassion for the other person. My advice is to talk to her and try to be honest. Finding out new stuff after 14 years is a bit of a suprise punch. I think you should just talk to her and tell her how you feel. You have the right to be upset, but I don't think we should be held accountable forever for a few misdeeds of the past. At the very least you deserve honesty and disclosure if you want to know, but once you know you can't forget it. Sometimes it is better to not know and leave it in the past.
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Thank you for the response. I had a very serious conversation with her prior to us ever being intimate. I was very honest with her about my past and was very honest about what I am ok with. To not lose me, she lied to me. Now that she feels safe, the truth is out so she feels better. Now I am left to wonder what else did she not tell me or lie about. I guess I will never know. My biggest issue is that all these years later and I am learning things about my now wife that others have known about her all along. Friends of hers that I know. Not to mention the images of my wife being that way now that I have been with her for so many years and never thought of her that way. I have days I can barely look at her.
I love her and will deal with this, but it is not fair.
I can't believe all the people on here that defend her though. I had legitimate reasons for not wanting originally to be with a woman with a promiscuous past and I was honest with her about that (very honest) and she decided that how she felt mattered more than how I did and lied to me. yes the years have gone and I know I am married to a good woman. That does not change the fact that I was wronged and I should have had the choice to marry her or not based on the truthful answers to the questions I asked her way back then.
Someone even asked to see a copy of the questionnaire I gave her prior to marriage. Maybe if people married people they are actually compatible with in the first place the divorce rate would not be through the roof. I was selective in who I dated and who I married. Now I have pictures of her in my head that are very difficult for me to have based on what happened to me when I was young. People should back off and understand that others pain is not based on how they are or how they would feel it is based on how the person posting feels and we all feel how we do because of our past experiences and what we have been taught or learned. It is different for all.