This is my last resort besides actually going to the hospital and getting checked. I have too much pride to go, which I am not sure why I feel that way but I do.

I honestly don't know where to start. I wake up every day pretty mad about everything. Any little thing bothers me and I can't handle things as good as I used to. Any type of pressure makes me angry. Things that I used to enjoy like basketball, racing cars kind of dies out fast. I lack the urge to do any of it. When I do find something I like to do, it usually lasts a couple weeks then I don't care about that either. I've been married for 7 years, my wife adores me. I treat her like crap sometimes. Not abusive in any form, but I do feel I am disconnected with her and that bothers me a lot. I do love her but recently as I feel I have gotten worse it seems like I don't even care about her feelings etc. It has become almost like she is a bother to me, which is pretty darn sad. I recently had my first child, a great baby boy. I adore him and can honestly say I do feel happy when I am with him. I just wish I was even more attached to him. I always thought when I had a child that it would give me purpose and while I say that it does the truth is I don't feel that. I go about work like any other day nothing really matters to me anymore.

I've made very good money with work. I used to own a business, but it went sour after I was scammed for a lot of money. I ended up partnering up with a great guy, who honestly I think has my best interest at hand but sometimes I feel like I am just being used. I'm one of the best at what I do, well, I think I used to be not so sure about now. I've been offered jobs at companies I dreamed about when I first started in this business but I turned them down recently too since I wanted to be loyal to the guys I have working for us here. I am the business here and I know without me it just falls to the ground and I don't want that to happen. Customers are always complaining about the dumbest things, which to me are dumb but I think maybe they have a point. I can't simply find the energy or patience in me to get over that hump anymore and step it up. I used to want success and money more than anything in the world and now even that doesn't motivate me. If I had to pick something that bothers me the most its unappreciated. I feel like I have given my all and some to help my family, my friends and people who I don't even know and everyone has gotten ahead except me. I'm able to pay my bills every month but sometimes I don't even want to. I'm sure I am not the only one that feels like that. I get angry when I see people take vacations and days off and they don't have a care in the world and meanwhile I can't because then we don't make money for our payroll or bills and stuff. I guess I'm a bit jealous of that. I'm tired of seeing everyone else get ahead off my work. I say that, but I know that without them I wouldn't of got this far either. Is that wrong of me to feel that way?

My son is amazing. The best part of my day is in the morning when he wakes up. He smiles and I take pictures of him to send to some of my family. I tell him its paparazzi time and he lights up my day. Just seems like after that its all downhill. I don't sleep much anymore, although I want to. Even when I can though its usually a 5-6 hour thing or less and I'm awake thinking of everything I have to do. I think Work might of ruined me mentally. Physically besides some stomach aches here and there I am perfectly fine. I'm going to be 32 and I still compete in the sports I play with people a lot younger than me. Sometimes I can't do the things as easy as I used to, that bothers me some but I get over it quick.

I'm down to this. Typing what I feel in hopes that I can maybe release some of this tension, stress, anger and whatever else I am feeling before I go to a hospital and check myself in. If I did that, essentially my family would lose everything. I know my wife can't afford all these things on her own. I can't do taht to my family, but I also know I am unable to keep up with my own happiness. Anything that makes me happy lasts a little bit. ITs like a temporary high.

Any input or ideas would be ever so appreciated.