I guess this is exactly whaT I am getting at. As an adult now I may chose how to embrace or not what goes on in my life, and I get to make choices about who I will be and if I see challenges as defeats, abuse, trauma, or opportunities. The way that I reformulate my ideas gives me power. The ptsd makes it more difficult but not unmanageable. I can do this. I can notice the fear move and change and tell it that my life is fairly safe now. I can choose to celebrate that my youngest is an incredibly briught, talented, moral expression of humanity and she has grown with her ocd and trauma. I can choose to celebrate that my son has been cancer free for 3 1/2 years now, I can be thankful for the grace of my foster daughter's 12 years with us. I can know that I will continue to grow in my ability to care for myself and in turn for others. One step at a time. It's hard to make giant steps.