Hi "evil" ~ I felt just like you when I entered AA. I was an agnostic and wasn't even sure I was THAT. I had been drinking HEAVILY for over 20 years, and it was to the point of blackout drinking. I drank every night -- I had to escape the pain. I was caught in a very unhappy marriage. My husband was extremely mentally and emotionally abusive not only to me but to our children. I would have taken the children and left, but he threatened to TAKE my children where I'd NEVER find them -- and he would have done that ONLY to hurt ME. He was so terribly vindictive and hurtful. Anytime I mentioned separation or divorce, the threats began. He was ALSO an alcoholic -- I should mention that too!

I finally hit my own bottom, and called AA -- my husband kept drinking. But when I got to AA, I didn't like the "God" talk either and I wondered how I was going to make it in this group that kept talking "God." I didn't want to HEAR it.

I stuck it out tho, and got a sponsor like they told me to. My sponsor told me something I needed to hear -- she said to just "take what I liked and leave the rest." She said I didn't HAVE to pay any attention to the "God" talk. Just listen to the rest of what they said -- so I did. The rest all made SENSE! They gave me a "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I read it from cover to cover. The stories in the back are wonderful! I particularly like The Doctors Story, and my favorite pages are #448-450. You'll understand why when you read them.

Then the AA folks, when talking about a "Higher Power," they said "fake it til you make it" --- they said your higher power could be a tree, the sky, the ocean or whatever you want it to be. It just has to be something more POWERFUL than yourself. Well, that's easy. So i faked it til I made it. And i kept listening. Well, guess what --- it took some time, but now I believe in God!! I don't know WHY,, but I have an "spiritual experience." You may laugh at it, but there are certain things that cannot be explained in this world, and it has happened to me.

AA saved my life, along with people like you. Yes, I believe in God and I thank Him each day for helping me get and stay sober. God willing, in July I will have 20 years sober and it could not have been done without His help.

I wish you the very best. Please get the help you need so badly, as ALCOHOL KILLS. I have seen a person with liver damage at the end of life, and it is a very painful way to die. After the liver stops working, all the other organs shut down too, the kidneys, bladder, etc. It takes your dignity. Please get help. we're with you 100%. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee