That is wonderful...thank you so much. Being 20 years sober must have taken so much faith and hard work. I long to be there...yet, and this is crazy, I can still rationalize so many reasons to continue drinking. But I really belive it is draining my soul. You can't imagine how much I just want to feel free in my life....free from addictive behavior...free from bad chopices in my past...free of my expectations of myself and other people. Free of my notions of what makes me "good" or "bad". I really ama good person, who gives of myself every day to help other people...who helps my wife raise my step-kids...becasue she has chronic illnesses. And I hope this is ok...I just don;t want to feel this pain..or shame. I don't want a life where I long for everything that I don;t have or have not experienced yet...but one in which I can be ok with me...today. I hope to find a new AA meeting near me and just be myself, even it it doesn;t immediately appear to tow the AA line. Thank you for you comment...it warmed my heart.