I want thank everyone who has replied. I knew I kicked over a hornets nest, but I was being honest. I do like the honesty that I have received, although I have now way of knowing for a fact, but I trust my gut.

Yes I still need to learn a lot about me, but after 30 years of therapy, I know more about me than even my own mother. I know what my triggers are; I know what my issues and problems are. They are all related in some kind of way. Do I still need to work on them? Yes I do, never said I didn't, and I still am. I work on them everyday that I'm blessed to be on this earth.

I've held people children in my arms and watched them die. I've been stabbed, and killed people trying to save my friends. I've seen children being beaten for asking a tourist for some food. I've seen way to much in my 40 years. I've been told I'm a no good SOB. That I wouldn't amount to anything. I've been homeless twice thousands of miles from home. I tried to cure my problems w/ alcohol, to wash away everything, but at 22 I realized that didn't work. I spent 4 years in prison. I came back from that.

It's not situations or challenges or stressors in my life. It's how I react to them. After years and years in therapy, w/ no sign of improvement, I had one doc try AD's and a mood stabilizer. Did it take away the feelings? In my case no it didn't. I still felt the same. However, the difference was that it allowed me to really analyse why I was feeling the way I was, and to deal with the feelings. I can't change people, places or things. They will be what they are, but I can change the reaction to them that I have. And that's where the meds come in. They slow my thinking enough to allow me to react in an appropriate manner.

I've heard from a lot of people in AA, who think that they have an MD, say that if you are taking AD's or any kind of meds, that you are not sober. I've also have seen a lot of people die because of that. I've seen friends get so depressed off there meds that they kill themselves, or go out and start self medicating w/ alcohol/drugs, that they never come back.

Are meds for everyone? No I don't think so. Do certain people have a physical issue w/ their brains? Yes I think so. And my reasoning is this. The mind and the brain are 2 completely different things. The brain is the physical, the mind is who we are. The mind cannot exist w/o the brain, but it's not the other way around. Is there a test for it? Sadly, there is not. I wish there was. Maybe then my doc's and I can come up w/ a solution. Oh by the way, for those of you think I need to look deeper, I see 2 therapist and a pdoc every week. We are exploring every thing that has ever happened to me.

My background is in computers, but I have a strong base in science. And that allows me to analyse information w/ an unbiased eye.

I know that there will be people, and I won't call any names, that will say I still need to dig deeper, but their problems w/ what I say is more about them than me.

I haven't written this in haste. I thought this over, and talked w/ a very good friend about it. I wanted to make sure that the part of me I don't like didn't take over and do the talking. I want to remain rational.

I hope everyone does has had a good night, and that maybe, somebody can take something away from this.