I understand where you're coming from - we all need reassurance of love from time to time, and would expect it from our spouse. Lets face it, when we are married and tell someone we love them, I would say its fair to expect to hear someone loves you back when you tell them.

I think his therapist is wrong to say that he's right and you're wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting a little bit of reassurance and I feel that they are not helping matters - he will listen to them because am sure that's what he wants to hear. We all have levels of need, so your husband should understand that and the therapist shouldn't say that your level is wrong (unless you are very insecure and need too much reassurance).

Was he like this all your married life? I wonder if you knew what you were letting yourself in for. I don't mean that in a nasty way, its just that sometimes we think that we can change people with time and its often not the case. Oh, and is he more affectionate when he's on an 'up' if he gets them?

I wonder if its worth going to couples therapy too - at least that way you may be able to explain where you are coming from. I do think tho you may have to either settle for less loving behaviour than you may expect due to his illness, but I do not think you should settle for none at all. He's a depressed man, but that does not mean his is incapable of listening to your needs and understanding them, even if he finds it hard to express it often. To refuse to talk about it because it turns into a row is unfair, its avoidance. Combined with your anger & need to learn how to talk without it is what makes me think that couples therapy may help you out. Nothing to lose anyway?

It may also be worth telling your husbands docs and therapists that it's not working. It's ok to get second opinions too...

Good luck..