((((Mara)))) I think I can totally to where you are coming from...from actually two totally different angles.

1. From my experiences growing up around a demanding, judgmental, controlling, N, selfish mother who invalidated practically everything I ever said, did or felt, I learned to be fearful of expressing my real feelings, thoughts and ideas. I couldn't bear to receive more negativity and invalidation. It all just turned into me feeling totally worthless, anxious, and depressed. I would literally blush talking to anyone about anything even remotely close to how I thought or felt about things.

It took a very long time before I was even able to identify a feeling. If someone asked me, I would just reply, "I don't know".

I remember very clearly though having a disagreement, opinion with my love which I expressed (he was the least judgmental person I have ever met). I was absolutely terrified waiting for his response. He responded in a kind manner. I was shocked. Someone impt to me in my life actually validated how I felt.

He didn't put me down or say I was wrong or tried to make me feel small. He simply said feelings are just that and neither good or bad. Right or wrong. I think that is one of the reasons why I loved him. Because he just accepted me. Mind you, we had aeguments and disagreements but we always fought "fair".

People who do that to others, put them down or invalidate us, I think are only trying to make themselves feel bigger and better because they feel so bad about themselves. It is not a reflection of us or who we are.

2. I went through a period of time for about 4 years, I was literally terrified to answer the phone or read a communique from a certain part of the family because everything was drama. It was horrible, painful, stressful and miserable. I was constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I got to a point where I turned off the ringer on my phones and even disconnected the doorbell. I was totally hyper-aware of all things Them. It got to the point to where I was such a wreck, I finally got really angry, did not hide it at all and cut off ties. I couldn't stand it anymore. It was literally killing me.

Regarding these issues, I found DBT with an experienced T really helpful in turning the fear and hyper-awareness around. I learned to replace old tapes and intense fear with positive, helpful thoughts for myself. To myself.

Also, implementing the no contact rule with emotionally and verbally abusive people and learning to establish boundaries helped too.

I am a work in progress (clearly), and it is not easy at first, but things are getting much better.

I hope this helps a little bit. Hugs to you.