hi there.

i'm a musician.. and well, thats really what keeps me going.

i've for a while now been using Benzos on and off...
Cloneazepam and Diazepam.
they really work for me, keep me from flipping out, giving me relief from my non-stop GAD, and stopping me from entering full on panic attacks.

However, i have started to notice that when i'm on it; my mind feels dulled (cognitively)
and i can't play music properly... - its like i'm overly sedated, or in a fog.
(and this is on a pretty low dose)
i can go through the motions of playing, but it doesn't have the 'Flair' or excitement that i usually put into my music...
it just becomes kindove bland, and 'so so..'

i'm terrified that this may become permanent with continued use.
as music is all i have going for me. - i'm actually pretty good.
and it's my one and only passion, has been since i was 8 years old.

whenever i try to play on valium; it just feels 'loose' - not lively, tight and interesting.
i can't do things i could {the} few days ago when i was not taking valium.
Dulled is the best way to put it, and un-inspired

^sad thing is; they help me so much.. i'm able to actually have a life on valium and not be boxed into a corner.
But music is life for me.
if i don't have music, i don't see a point to my existance.

so i realllly don't know what to do on this.
i think i might just go with opiates; as they calm me down (not as well as benzos) but they don't screw with my cognitive abilities.

and i know benzos are no cure, i need to get to the root of my anxietys and sort them out,,,, but on occasion they really have saved me...
but ruining music would be the end for me,

so i think i have really run out of options.
SSRI's make me crazy and hospitalized.
Benzodiazepams; cognitively F* me up and consequently my only passion in life (music).
guess that leaves Beta blockers.... but they're primarily for physical symptoms... - and all my mess is in my head.
and then opiates.
plus herbals.

of course mediation is the key, and C.B.T.
but i'm often in too much of a bind to even approach such avenues.

i think i'm going to go the herbal route from now on..
it's always been kind to my mind.

i'd love to hear anyone elses thoughts on this,, as i have a tendency to get locked into a pessimistic viewpoint and be unable to shake it or 'see the light' e.t.c

cheers
cx