As hard as it is and as wasteful as it feels, you've just got to hang in there. I had a friend who was inpt as an adult at one time, and she showed me the list that she had been taught to make. It was a daily schedule w every step she was supposed to take the next day, things as basic as get out of bed, go to the bathroom, eat breakfast, brush your teeth etc. She made one for each day and checked off what she accomplished w no sense of failure for those things she didn't do. I'll have to ask her for more details, I was really suffering at the time and adopted it for awhile, it seemed so soothingly helpful. Also, keep us posted on how you feel and don't be afraid to let go. When I was at my worst I would leave my therapist long messages that I didn't want her to respond to, I just had to be heard...my form of journalling I guess. And one last thing, give some thought to meds that you think or have a sense may be helpful. I developed my own ideas about meds to try that in some cases turned out to be just what worked. You have to research them tho which I did thru other forums. But turning the corner takes so much time. Please hang in there and (((hugs))) to you