For the last week I have been feeling really down. It started mostly last weekend. I went with a friend to the Indy 500 and I had some fun at first, but then I started to notice all of the happy couple enjoying spending time with each other. Then I started to feel sad because I don't have that with my marriage. We used to do stuff together but anymore it is hard to get her to do anyhing on the days when I feel okay enough to enjoy myself. Trust is also another issue I am having with her. Then to complicate things I don't have much middle ground when it comes to how I feel about people that are close to me. It is either love and hate. I never used to feel this way about her until she cheated, which triggered my sense of abandonment, not to mention a endless source of angry I can't seem to get rid of. I also have lost attraction to her in the recent years. She was a little heavy when we got married, but I still found her cute. Now she is heavier and falls well into the obese category medically and I just don't feel it. How do you even tell a spouse that?

We are in marriage counseling and trying to make things better. I don't have a constant sense of what I want. Someweeks I want it to work, others I want to throw my hands up. Othertimes I just want to give up on life, so clearly my think at least impaired by depression.

We had a serious talk a couple of weeks ago, and I told her about liking her somedays and hating her others. As you can imagine it didn't go over well. It made her want to give up on things too, but all I can be is honest on how I feel, even they it is irratactic and turbulent. Near the end of the conversation she said somethingthing that troubled me. She said she wouldn't want to live if I left her. I don't think she was being manipulative, but being honest. She is completely financial dependant on me and would have no way to support herself if I left. I feel trapped. It feels like my choice is I stay and maybe I feel better about things, or I leave and she kills herself. The rational part of me says it is her choice and I have just cause to leave. I deserve to he in a healthy supportive releationship. Then there is the guilt. What if she did it. I think I would feel much worse if I had that on my mind. It wouldn't be my fault, but I know I would blame myself for it. It makes me feel trapped.

We have counseling next wed, and I planned on bringing this up. I can't deal with it. I have enough problems convincing myself life is worth living, I don't know how to deal with her issues.

So I have been mostly depressed this week, after a realization on how things are. Maybe I am just seeing the dark side of things.

I was supposed to call my therapist if I started having suicidal thoughts, or wanted to self harm but I haven't. I feel bad for lieing to her and telling her that I would. I've self harmed a couple times this week and I know it doesn't fix anything, but I just wanted to feel somewhat in control of how I feel. It slightly helped for a little while, but it didn't fix anything and I still feel depressed. I hope thing pick up.

I see my pdoc Tuesday and maybe more meds may help. I know things kinda suck with my marriage, but I shouldn't feel this bad about it. I'm starting to lose motivation and starting to withdraw from everything.