Hmmmm, ((((CG)))) I am not entirely clear on the exact trauma that you experienced prior to meeting your now-wife, but clearly it affected you enough to create very strict boundaries in that a potential mate's sexual past was high priority on your list. Whatever happened to you, I am so sorry because it seems that this matter has brought forth deep trust issues. And some painful, awful memories.

I think it is absolutely understandable that you feel dazed, confused, angry, betrayed and hurt. Especially because it was of such vital importance to you that she was a certain "way".

I find it extremely curious that as an adult, and being married, you would be having three way texting with your spouse. Frankly, I don't mean to come off harsh, but it sounds pretty childish to me (Unless, for instance, you were planning a couples vacation and were sussing out the details where you all wanted to be included on the decision-making and plans).

In addition, I am not sure what makes you soo incredibly wonderful that your wife would want to be with you that badly that she would deceive you, lie to you in order to be with you (I say that because the only time I have ever heard someone so upset like this about feeling deceived into a relationship is if the person that is upset comes from money or has something very valuable to them that they want to definitely protect before saying "I do". I am surrounded by very wealthy people who must protect the fruit of their hard work or their family assets with a pre-nup. It is definitely not uncommon).

If you are concerned your wife may be unfaithful to you because she is attracted to other women and it is hard for you to live with that, I would consider T, couples T and if necessary a separation until you feel safe again with her. Why torment yourself?

And it sounds as if you are tormented right now about it.

Tbh, for as much as I love someone, if they did something that was solidly against my moral beliefs and values, and we'd already discussed the issue, and I learned my SO not only lied to me but had fantasies and thought about it (perhaps even leading to it happening again), I don't care how much time we were together, that person would be asked to leave my home while I figured things out and decided what I wanted to do about it.

I am a female and I don't support or excuse anyone's intentional deceit. If you feel you have been deceived, you have to work on feeling better and feeling whole again. For clearly, this has split you.

I am sure you do love your spouse very much, but I assume you love yourself and respect yourself enough that you would do something proactive instead of stewing in your own juices.

Do you understand what I am conveying here?

Best wishes to you.