So far in therapy we have mainly worked on communication and openly talking to eachother. I don't believe her threat was directed at me, but more of a statement that she doesn't know what to do without me. She has withdrawn from a lot of her responibilities and relies on me pretty heavily for a lot of things. My T says it sounds like a.parent child releationship by the way I describe things, as far as financial stuff. It feels like that a lot of the time too. It is difficult to rely on someone for support when they are dependant on you. When I try to open up to her about this, she just gets sad, which makes me feel worse. Then toncomplicate things she had a couple online romances which broke my trust in her and I don't want to share. My instincts want to push her away.

In a word, I feel hopeless. Having depression is a difficult obstacle to deal with, but the marriage issues has me in a rocky circumstance. I don't know what I want, I have a lot of conflicting emotions over it. I know things can get better with work and effort. For better or for worse she is my wife and she does love me. I mostly love her, but at times I have trust issues and am hurt by what she did and that makes me want to run away from it. My depression makes things worse, and I withdraw and am not really there like a spouse should be.

I think she did what she did out of lonilness and desperation. I love her, but I don't always show it and I think I put my marriage on the back burner as I was trying to focus on school and getting a good job to support us. I tried to do good, but often times I feel like I have failed and am not a very good husband. Maybe that comes from low self esteem and general feeling of worthlessness. I try to reason things out, and I know I should feel good about who I am, but I can't seem to shake the feelings. I don't know why I have to have people care about me and show interest in me to feel good about myself and why it is so devastating to me when the opposite happens. It is maddening to me. I wish I had a better sense of who I am and a stable image of myself. I hope therapy can help me work this out. I don't have faith in the medications. People say they works, but after half a dozen I have seen only mild results. I think a lot of my depression is because of how I think, and the experiences that made me who I am.