Hi Rouau,

It is possible that in the end you two may not be sexually compatible, and it's ok to feel scared about that, and it's ok to be scared of her fantasies because those kinds of thoughts just aren't part of your personal reality.

I might suggest that instead of shying away from the things she's expressed a desire to experience for fear of them being "gateway drugs" to more extreme practices, you could try and indulge her in her BDSM fantasies just a little. She might be feeling rejected by you right now because you're recoiling from the idea, and if you take a little initiative (especially since she wants you to take the leading role) and learn some things on your own, that could really help. There are books you could buy; the two I see get thrown around a lot are Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns and Different Loving. Here's the wikipedia page on the subject: BDSM - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It might also help to find resources that are lesbian-specific, as the vast majority of BDSM writing and culture is pretty heterocentric and ciscentric; the only real place I can recommend you go for that is Fetlife, which is a social networking site, but requires registration to look at. I'm not lesbian and not active in BDSM culture, so I wouldn't know where else to point you toward. :\

About her dominance: lots of subs, bottoms and other s-types have dominant personalities or take on dominant roles in their public life. Sometimes they want a break from those stressful personas at home or in bed, sometimes they want them integrated by way of more "competitive" play, in which they secretly desire to "lose" or have their conceptions of themselves and you pushed and expanded upon. The best way to figure out how she wants to be topped or dominated is to ask her.

As for your anxiety about your girlfriend's fantasies about men, it could be just that-- a fantasy. Lots of people fantasize about things they would never, ever want in real life, like violent rape, or even death. If she insists that she's still a lesbian--and that she wants no one but you as a partner--you're going to have to trust her.