Mike, it is OK - I did not think you were making an attempt at flaming. I thought you were simply expressing your opinion.

So I can tell you this - I thought that I was a victim of acquaintance rape when I could not say "no" to a close friend/neighbor/classmate on one occasion in a situation of watching a movie together in my apartment. As a result of that experience, I have learned the following important lesson:

- a woman should either improve her assertiveness score or, failing that or until that developmental milestone is achieved, avoid compromising situations such as watching a movie in her apartment

I was also infuriated to no end. When I think back to the experience, even though it happened back in 1997, I start feeling infuriated. I do not feel shame, fear, .... , I just feel infuriated. Being infuriated is an extreme form of anger. Anger is a non-specific emotion and does not invoke any sexual connotations per se.

This man, who, I thought, date-raped me, babysat my son in 1996, for three days, when I needed to fly to another state to finalize the divorce from my first husband, the son's father. My son was 3 years old.

When I returned, the man bragged to me that he had taught my son how to take a shower. He bragged and I was expected to feel appreciation. I did express some appreciation outwardly (as I should have because I was appreciative of the babysitting part itself, I just had never intended the shower taking learning experience for my son) but inwardly was infuriated and still am when I think back to it. It is perfectly OK for a 3 year old boy to take baths! There is no developmental milestone of learning to take showers when you are 3 years old.

I feel equally infuriated on account of the "date rape" and on account of "Look how great I am - I have taught your three year old son to take showers!"

The common denominator is that the feeling of being so infuriated tells me that the man is unpleasant, has bad manners and no tact, is arrogant and full of himself and I should not have associated with him in the first place. I am also mad at myself for associating with him because I did not like him that much but he was around being a neighbor and a classmate so I went along.

From that I have learned the lesson that I need to follow my gut feeling and be more intentional and discriminating in deciding whom to associate with.

That lesson is broad, general, and not specific to sexuality.

In other words, I have not experienced anything bad in the realm of sexuality following the date rape, have never been in any way triggered by sexual situations or anything like that, and 2-3 weeks after the date rape started a new sexual relationship with the would be and now ex 2nd Husband which turned out to be awful in non-sexual ways but was fine sexually. So I have not suffered anything negative sexually. I was just infuriated beyond belief.

Several months ago I looked up the definition of acquaintance rape on RANN which I considered authoritative and learned that what happened to me in 1997 does to fit the definition because there was no threat of force. In other words, the situation of exploiting the lack of assertiveness on the part of the woman is not criminal per today's standards. OK. Still, since I lived under the impression that it was an acquaintance rape, my reactions might be viewed as valid possible reactions to rape, and, again, they are not in any way sexual.

I have also fought several true attempts at rape - meaning, when men tried to physically force me into the act. Those experiences have never affected me negatively in the realm of sexuality in any way, because I have always been able to enjoy sex with my boyfriends/husbands who were not raping me but having consensual sex with me.

To sum up, in my experience, the issue is not sexuality but abuse of power and control as well as violence.

That said, you will see on this board that other women have been deeply troubled by rape and have been unable to de-couple violent rape from consensual sexuality.