Also,

the sarcasm was well-intentioned and, specifically, meant to help you to become a little more forgiving towards, or of, yourself, as well as bring you in closer touch with reality, because the goals you set for yourself are unrealistic and therefore you are bound to fail your expectations and feel disappointed in yourself, and as a result, in addition to having the many problems you have listed that already lead you to fear not having a ticket to heaven, you will have an additional problem of failing the expectations you have set for yourself, which will lead to disappointment, self-hatred, and lower self-esteem, none of which are particularly helpful to anybody. Moreover, it is possible (though not guaranteed) that you do what you do sexually (I have never done any of those specific things so I cannot comment from personal experience) to alleviate the feelings of hurt, and therefore, the more you restrict yourself, the more feelings of hurt you will experience, the more you will do the things that make you feel disappointed in yourself, and the more...

... in other words, a downward spiral, a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the rest

... so you need to develop compassion for yourself as the order of the day, and then act out of the place of feeling compassion for self. Until you develop compassion for self, I do not think there would be much positive change in your life. OK, so that is 100% serious without a trace of sarcasm.

Good luck.