Wow, this is great feedback, thanks everyone. I have a lot to think about.

About the fantasy of the response...ooh, it's hard to type on here, I can't even stand to feel vulnerable in an anonymous online forum, plus it's embarrassing to see the words written down! :::deep breath::: I imagined that she would get tears in her eyes and say "I love you, too, PumpkinEater, and I'm so glad I can finally tell you." And it would have just made everything in therapy so much easier knowing we had this great trusting moment to share. Conversely, I have no fantasy of her being my friend ever. I HAVE of course often wished she was my Mom, and she knows all about that. Talking about it out in the open has taught me a LOT of things about my own behavior.

However, in a way I think part of my fantasy will come true...somehow it seems easier to contact her now. I am fortunate to have daily contact with her and have come to accept that as of right now, this is something that is necessary for me to hold onto the relationship. However, before all this started, it was extremely difficult to reach out even though it always helped. Now it is only "mostly difficult" instead of extremely...we are headed in the right direction albeit slowly! I look forward to the day when I can transfer my reaching out behavior to other people in my life but right now my contact with her is very reassuring and helps keep me stable when things get hard.

So I wrote her an email and she responded in such a gracious way that it made me cry, and I have been able to realize that even though I was furious AT her, it was all unfounded and I really should be thanking her, first for having great boundaries and keeping me safe that way, and second, for exposing me to a giant hole that needs to be grieved, instead of rushing into fix things FOR me, which never works anyway. She is my rock in so many ways; I have had many therapists but she has repeatedly stunned me with her ability to stand still while I bounce off her like a pinball. It's just that therapy is hard and not really that fun for me, and my trust in her really waxes and wanes at very inopportune times and for no apparent reason.

Thank you all for your feedback!