I really, really, relate to what you're saying. It took me a very long time to get to the point where I could talk about what was really happening inside. When I first started therapy I was completely unstable and about as close to suicide as you can be and live.
It was a really scary dissociative experience where I was basically watching myself preparing to end my life, and I had a couple of images flash through my head and suddenly I was in control again. It was like I was on automatic pilot. Or self destruct.
So it hasn't been seven years straight with my therapist before I could begin to talk about the others, what I experience, what I hear. But I wanted to from the very first appointment. I did manage to write some things, and give them to her. But without the whole story it didn't really mean anything. When i did try to bring up certain subject it was like my jaw was suddenly wired shut. The muscles would tighten up until they would cramp.
It took along time before l had enough trust, and was desperate enought, to be honest before I told my T what was going on.
Even now I still hold things back. But.
What helped me was to talk to myself. Understand that I had no idea that it was even possible for me to have DID. I knew what it was. But it was not even a remote possibility.
But I had to talk myself into telling her. My therapist, I mean. I did it out loud. Maybe that's important. Maybe not.
But I reminded myself that I was seeing her to get better. Not to hang out. She was trying to do her job. I was making it impossible because I wasn't telling her what was really happening. Did I really want things to be this way? If not, I needed to talk about it.
Then I remained myself that she was a professional. And confidentiality is a part of what she does. She wouldn't be telling anybody I don't give her permission to tell. In the time I had been seeing her I had seen how she worked. So I knew how important her ethics were to her. The really important thing I asked myself was "Do I want to live like this, or did I want to take a chance on getting better. Being happy. Not feeling crazy, and having days just vanish on me. I didn't want to hide and lie about things I couldn't explain anymore.
When I finished talking to myself I felt different inside. So maybe doing it out loud was right for me.
I won't say it was easy. I won't say it didn't occasionally cause me some anxiety issues. But I saw and felt things getting better very soon after. Some upsets come with the work.
I hope you can find away to move forward.
Are you happy with your therapist? Do you trust him? I know they can be hard to find. Especially therapists with expeience with dissociation.
I can't work with a male therapist. I just can't relax.
This has turned into a bit of a mess, b ut I hope there's something here that you can use.
I have this deal with my others that I won't censor them. And that's how some things turn into a jumble. Anyway I have to leave this as is.
Try talking. To yourself. To whoever is inside. You may be surprised at the results