I've learned to accept that people won't understand - when they do, I feel a surprised mix of relief, joy, and sadness that they understand. I've had to learn to accept that when I open up, it might scare someone off, or make them angry, or make them walk on eggshells around me, or just keep their distance.

When someone doesn't understand, I think they worry about accidentally making things worse for me. Or feel like they should try to fix me.

The friends that I end up staying around... I'll open up more to them, and I'll explain that sometimes I just CAN'T do group things. Or that sometimes I really just want to stay home by myself. That sometimes if I know I'm ready to panic I will cancel plans because it's just the best decision to make. I always thank them for not giving up on me and trying to include me (because some people just give up and then I feel horrible). For me, I can usually handle 1:1 even when reallllly bad. So I tell my friends that. And I tell them that it's usually best to spring something on me, because I'm more likely to go "ok" and then not be able to back out of it. But if they try to make plans days in advance? I'll likely chicken out and cancel.

I've found that even though people might not understand the depression, they will understand my boundaries and limitations when I explain it to them. And they feel included and helpful when I've explained those to them, because they know they aren't causing more stress by being mad if I cancel. Which in turn makes me feel better, because I know that they want to help and accept me for how I am - even if they can't actually understand the worst thoughts that go through my head.

Does any of that make any sense?