Thank you so much for all your responses!

Jax, you could have described me. When I started with T in January, I was extremely unstable as well, suicidal, SI'ing, in complete crisis mode and seeing T 3x a week for nearly 4 months. It's only been in the last month that things have gotten much better, I'm down to 2x a week and I feel my trust in T has improved.

I still have trust issues with T, but I am happy with him and he is a trauma specialist and says he worked with dissociation before. I guess the biggest issue for me is like T says, that my "protector" part is so hard and judgmental, and critical of myself. That's the problem I'm having. If I talk to myself, I'm okay, but when I say things out loud, it's like everything is made more real and my judgment and critiquing of myself kick in and I don't like what I'm hearing myself say.

I know I'm going to have to push through this to talk about it with T otherwise why bother going, right? It's just so hard and painful though.