That is a tough position to be in. Does your brother know that you cut? If so, are you close enough to him to ask him to hide his knife collection for a bit?

The fact that you care about your boyfriend and don't want to hurt him by backsliding is something you can use to your advantage. When the urges get bad, think of him and how it will effect him. Devotion can be a powerful anti-trigger.

When I was cutting badly, I couldn't get away from sharp things. I work with them. At home though, if I found myself doing as you do, holding them, feeling mesmerized by them, I would give the item(s) to my friend to hold and hide. Sometimes that would help break the cycle.

Since what you are looking for is relief of stress, try some hard exercise. Jumpt rope for half an hour or as long as you can. Run or walk a fair distance as fast as you can. That will release some of the same endorphins that cutting does, and it may give you some relief.

Know that exams are temporary. They will come and go regardless of whether you cut or not. If you do cut, the wound and scar will last longer than the exam did!

I don't know how you feel about holistic things, but many people are helped with stress by learing to meditate or going to yoga classes. I know of two women who are doing that, they don't cut, but they do have some very heavy stress. They say that it really relaxes them, gets them out of the house for an hour or so, and teaches them ways of handling stress that are good instead of harmful.

Sam2