My spouse has been hospitalized recently for what sounds like a very similar situation within the last 2 months. the most important thing is for you to know that you are NOT alone. I know a little bit how hopeless and painful it feels when the depression gets that bad. It can feel like torture, and isolating only adds to the pain. Please consider going to the emergency room - it is most important that you are safe and get some relief from the anguish. It is hard to make decisions when you feel so crappy, but you are reaching out for help, and that shows strength and insight. No matter what, you are valuable and worthy of happiness! Keep up the good fight.