I hate making plans, because then I have to stress until the day of the plans arrive, then I don't want to do what I've planned. I can't be spontaneous because I need time to mentally prepare. I feel safe at home, and I feel like the second I step out the door, I'm no longer safe. I'm happy at home.

I took a day off the other day - just for me. 2 days before that, a friend of mine asked if I wanted to catch up, but I said I couldn't. She then asked why I never want to see her. I have had issues in the past where I feel completely unsupported by her, so I guess I've not made her a priority - but I'm really not sure if my anxiety is contributing to how I feel about her, it might be skewing my opinions, so I explained again (she already knows how I've been feeling) about my anxiety, and what it's like for me, and I felt her response was like 'but what about me?'. I feel frustrated even though I totally spelled it out, that she still doesn't get it, like I should just make spontaneous plans because it's what she wants because she misses me. You know what I miss? The person I used to be. I don't know who the new me is - completely anxious about people, hyper vigilant, sitting closer to the duress alarm at work whenever anyone walks in. I used to be able to make plans. I didn't used to be like this.

I have finally made an appointment to see a psychologist this month, at the urging of my sister. Both of my sisters have been so supportive. I have another close friend who is supportive and understanding, and not pushy at all. I do see her fairly regularly, because she makes plans in advance, and we always go to the same place for lunch. I'm a creature of habit, doing something different stresses me out.

Have you found that your friends have no real understanding of what it's like? How did you deal with them? It just feels like pressure I don't need. I'd love nothing more than to make plans and think nothing of it, but I can't right now. It's a huge effort to even go to work.

How did you deal with people who just don't understand?