Hi, I'm not sure anyone would remember me. I haven't really logged on since 2011. I can be like that sometimes. A rolling stone when it comes to internet forums. This has little to do with the forum and more to do with my own anxiety. But right now, I don't know where else to go. I'm not even sure what I expect out of this post. I guess I just want to get it off my chest. Have someone to speak to.

The past year has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least. Full of ups and downs. In December my sister and I went to Michigan to discover our roots. It was far from what I expected. I had to face the fact that everything my mother has told me about my family over the years has been right. I guess it's been a downhill slope since then.

And now, I think I've reached my ultimate low. I feel like there's no getting up from where I've landed. What's worse is that I haven't been able to sleep in two weeks. I have gotten "sleep", but it's more like passing out, being unaware for a few hours, and then waking up feeling as though I never slept at all. For the most part, though, I spend my nights tossing and turning. It goes like this: Hour one - close eyes. toss turn. toss turn. disturb dog. get up.
hour two - stare at computer for thirty minutes. lie down.
hour three - repeat cycle
Before I know it, the sun is out and the birds are chirping.

Sometimes, I just can't stop crying. I'll be lying in bed, playing world of warcraft, and in the middle of a dungeon... I'll start bawling. And I never know why. Last night I cried for a good thirty minutes straight. Until my dog crawled up to me and laid next to me until I calmed down. Then, other times, it's more like feeling nothing at all. A numbness. There are some times when I even scare myself. I don't feel like I'm an immediate threat to myself yet. But I feel like, if I keep going down this path, I might be.

I have tried reaching out to friends, to family, but I simply don't know how. I'm surprised I've even typed this much here. I guess it's easier when dealing with people who you don't speak to daily. Easier when speaking to people who you know have been there. Last night, though, made me sink even lower. I tried my best to reach out to someone and they never replied. Haven't seen hide nor hair of her since. I just don't understand why I have so much trouble talking to people.

I know I need help. I just don't know where to go. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place financially. I have looked for resources nearby but always draw blanks. They're either too far (I have no car) or too expensive. This creates a cycle.

The other day, I woke up from a small nap and wondered why I woke up in the first place. I promptly tried to return to sleep, deciding that it would be better than facing the world, only to find that I could not. Because for some reason neither my body nor my mind would allow it.

A few months ago I faced a bitter realization. I don't remember what it feels like to be truly happy.

I'm sorry for this long post. I have searched and searched for a place to turn to, and in my current frame of mind, this was the only place I could think of.