I posted a little while ago about how I am concerned I may have a dissociative disorder of some kind. Thank you very much for the kind responses.

In the end I didn't feel able to talk to my Dr about it, but I did tell her I was really struggling and thought I would benefit from extra support and help. I am now waiting on a referral to local mental health services for assessment. Which I think is a good step, though very scary to me.

I keep second guessing myself. Sometimes I am convinced that I am just making all of this up. Then something happens like yesterday where I drew lots of pictures of a very young girl who seems familiar to me, who's name I just know and I feel like she is me. Yet I don't remember drawing those pictures.

From reading on here, I have come across the concept of co-conciousness. This seems to relate to my experiences. Losing time does happen for me but is rare and could be related to other disorders I have. But I often feel like I am not in control, am only watching my body do things and at these times I feel like someone else has taken over. But I do have some ability to communicate with this somebody else, just not to intervene. This means I do remember what has happened but most of the time I feel like I have had no control. Also, it means that whilst I worry about what has happened/what I have done at these times I find it hard to relate those actions to me - they feel like it was somebody else who did them. So whilst I worry it is hard to do anything after the fact to address any issues that have been thrown up.

A big part of this for me is anything relating to money. Sometimes I spend lots of money and I am aware that I have done that, yet I consistently fail to take it into account when thinking about my income etc. It doesn't feel like it was me who spent it, so I seem to 'forget' that this has been spent. Then when I check my balance it is lower than I remember, often leaving me struggling to pay rent, buy food etc. Also, many of the things I have bought make no sense to me. Like clothes that are too small, or that I wouldn't wear. Food I don't eat or don't like etc.

Then there is a bear that I have. When I am feeling upset I often like to carry this bear around with me, like a security blanket. Yet I normally wouldn't take it outside or anything. But at times, I feel like I am watching myself with this bear. I play with it and take it everywhere with me, then become really upset if I need to leave the house and someone tells me I can't take it. To the point that I have refused to go out as I can't have my bear. When this sort of thing happens, again I am often surprised later when someone brings it up and wants to talk about it because I have 'forgotten' it happened until the subject is raised again. It feels like it wasn't me but a little girl called Emily who needed the bear and I have to remind myself that to everyone else it wasn't her it was me and that's why they want to talk to me about it, even though it is Emily who needed the bear not me.

Does any of this make sense to anyone? Does this sound like dissociation?

I do dissociate in other ways, experience a lot of depersonalization and I do it when I have flashbacks too, but they have always been considered part of my other disorders. This feels different and it has been happening since I was a kid. But at times I feel like it must all be in my head. I always had imaginary friends as a kid, and I have always and still do retreat into an internal 'fantasy' life/land when I am upset. Which I understand are very different to DID for instance. Again, this feels different to that though.

I am so confused and it could take weeks before I see someone for this assessment. In the meantime I am left trying to figure out what to tell them and I don't know what to say. I am scared they will tell me I am lying or that I am crazy.

Milli

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