Hi,

I just wanted to let you know that I think it's very possible for a single incident to cause harm to a person. Particularly when the incident was something you couldn't talk about, so you never had a chance to work the feelings out or understand it with somebody else.

Harming the lizards seems to me from what you wrote that it was a way for you to relive and try to understand what happened to you. The way you mention using the same language your mother did, this makes me think that is what it was about. You were just a child and this seems like it was your only way to try and work through what had happened. It also sounds like it was distressing for you because you say you know it was wrong. How difficult that must have been - that this act which temporarily made you feel better and helped you work things out was also an act that you knew was wrong. Experiencing urges you can't control is difficult to handle at any time, but especially for a child.

I have found therapy very useful for me, so it may be something to consider if you haven't already.

I am sorry you have experienced this, I hope things get better for you.

Milli

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