I can't handle talking on the phone most of the time with very few exceptions.

It just, it freaks me out. I can't do it, I can't ****ing do it and I'm so sick of people trying to force me into doing it. I'm just not going to go to AA anymore, they always want me to call them and won't stop calling me and UGH... I'm too paranoid for this, like seriously. I don't want to explain it all in detail cause it's ****ed up but yeah. I don't do talking on the phone. Actually, with only a couple of exceptions, I don't do talking to people PERIOD.

I hate that people keep expecting me to be something that I'm just not. I'm never going to be this lovely woman that suddenly comes out of her shell and accepts unconditional love or whatever the new age bull**** people expect to happen with me.

And go ahead and laugh at me for having a "negative attitude" and for "not really wanting to get better" even though I'm in ****ing therapy twice a week and seeing a pdoc once a week. Go ahead. Tell me I'm not trying, tell me I'm a worthless piece of **** because that's what everyone ends up telling me in the end. I hear it now, the voices telling me those things. That I'm just a complete **** up and I'll never be good enough. People treat issues like me not wanting to talk on the phone as some simple social anxiety issue and IT'S A LOT MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT. If I have to make a phone call for any reason I feel like I am literally going to die, because I know my phone calls are being traced and I don't want to talk anymore because my words will be twisted around like they always are and then I'll get taken away and I'll die and I've ****ing had ENOUGH.

I can't do this. I really can't do this. I want everyone to just LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't know why I put those stupid emoticons in my posts either... cause on the surface, it looks like I don't feel anything. I look flat, I feel flat, only deep down do I feel my feelings it's never on the surface where people can see unless I really lose it.

Never mind that when I try to talk to people, I have nothing to say. How am I? Oh, fine. Cause no one wants to hear the real answer. What am I doing today? All I can say is some vague answer because if I say, "I'm huddled up in my room all day trying not to go completely insane" then people will think I'm a piece of **** and lazy. In fact, I know they already think that because people know what's in my head. I have nothing to say because they already know everything. They're just asking those stupid questions to ridicule and mock me and I'm so SICK OF IT.

Just gosh, these people need to all LEAVE ME ALONE.