There has got to be a way that I can deal with my past when my soon to be ex husband is here in the same house. he is around at least every 2 weeks when he pays me child support. Tonight he is actually also playing a little bit of xbox with his son. I just really end up screwed up, numb and disassociated everytime he is around because of the flashbacks and memories. Usually the first thing I want to do when he leaves is shower and cut/ burn......I have got to get over this crap!! its bad enough that I blame myself for the abuse because if I gave it to him more maybe he wouldn't have to go on porn so much or maybe he would not have taken it from me even when I said no!!! wow I cant believe I wrote that!! anyways now I really want to burn or do something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!