Ughhh he is complete scum. You have no reason to feel guilty. No one should ever ever ever feel guilty for saying no to sex when they don't want it, or for not wanting sex.

Please don't blame yourself.

Maybe talking to other people who've been through similar things as you would help you in some way. I wish I had something to say that could help you.

Again, it is not your fault. Maybe realizing that might help in some way? idk