it was a sad day today. I spent the day in my room, partly because I had pain in my legs and partly because my brother spent most of the time downstairs (where my mom and I live, he lives upstairs, but has no food, etc., so he usually comes to eat, etc.) He was aggressive towards me a couple of times, that is why it was better to me to stay in my room. I cried most of the time, as I am very unhappy here and do not see a way out. Perhaps if I had a doctor it would be better.
I feel also overwhelmed, as last minute I was communicated I had to travel overseas in a few days. Unfortunately, my brother will have to come with me (I could not get a better arrangement). I am concerned because my mom cannot stay by herself and it is not being easy to find somebody to stay here with her. But, I had some good time yesterday: my primary school mates met at home. We did the meeting here because I did not want to leave my mom alone. I have not met them for years. In fact, as I gained a lot of weight in the last year, it was hard to me organize the meeting. i was not proud of my weight and I knew they will noticed it. It is the same embarrassment we feel when our hygiene is not so good because of depression. But I could overcome the feelings knowing that meeting with them will give more joy than sadness. And I did not feel embarrassed about my appearance.
In fact, I could took the decision of meeting then while in the last business trip (last month I had two long business trips, that is why I was disconnected most of the time). Being far from home, I felt much better. Returning from the last trip (last week) and facing problems again, I started to have a lot of sadness, to feel trapped and suicidal thoughts. I wanted to post something here but Internet was not working (I had arranged for technicians to come and fix some issue with cable connection while being overseas, but my brother did not allow them entering the house, so when I returned Internet was not working and because of that my work was affected and now I am paying the consequences of that). But finally I got the technicians back and could start writing and working again. In a few days of struggle I felt better, but now i feel bad again, because it is to overwhelming being here.
Sometimes, I think after the next trip, I will ask to be entered in a psychiatric facility. I am not sure they will accept me. If they do, I am not sure if they will allow me working a bit. I have no experience with this type of facilities. I know that being here at home it is not good for me, I endure for a couple of days, and then, again, and again, I go down into darkness and the feelings are being worse. OK, sorry because my narrative does not have a lot of order. I wish you all feel better and I thank you in advance for reading my message