Hi! I agree that you need to be able to deal with these feelings and flashbacks, especially since they make you want to harm yourself. I see you are also blaming yourself for his behavior. I'm not sure even if you had been more available it would have kept him from porn.

Are you seeing a therapist? I really believe working with one would be the best way to deal with what is happening to you. I hope you can be nice to yourself in the meantime and avoid hurting yourself.