Lately in t, I've been encouraged to tell my t (and others) if I feel hurt or angry about something. In the past, I've always just kept my mouth shut to avoid problems. So now, I'm trying to be more vocal. The problem is, it is not going well. I seem to have found an "angry" part of me and get tweaked at my t regularly. I don't try to do it, but it just happens. In the past, she has always been good about accepting my anger or hurt feelings, and trying to find out where they are coming from. Usually, we find out they are based on past hurts, and that instead of t doing something to purposely hurt me, she has just said or done something that triggered "old stuff" for me. We talk it over, and things are good again.

The problem is, sometimes when I get upset with my t, she has suggested that I consider seeing a different therapist. She has told me that there are other t's who are more qualified with my type of issues. She doesn't bring it up often, but when she does, it seems to happen after we've had a rupture of some kind, where I've expressed that she hurt my feelings or made me angry. I have pretty severe abandonment issues, and she knows that when she says this, it triggers those fears. Whenever she has broached the subject of seeing a different t, I have always told her no, I want to stay with her. In about 10 years of therapy, she has brought it up about 4 times.

Anyway, she brought it up again last week, after I reminded her of somethign she'd done in the past that was hurtful to me. So it is making me feel like (1) I can't tell her when I'm upset with her because she will want me to switch t's, and (2) It also makes me feel like maybe she is trying to get rid of me. When she brought it up last week, she prefaced it by saying, "I know you hate it when I bring this up, but I'm going to anyway." So she definitely knows it's a trigger for me.

Well, after my session, it started bothering me more and more what she said. So I sent her this message;

R,


At your suggestion, I'm looking into other therapists. If you feel strongly enough about it to keep bringing it up, you must think it's important. So far, I have seen three possibilities of therapists who might be a fit. But the way I feel now, it's unlikely I would start over with somebody new.


If we can figure out a way to continue working together that seems feasible to both of us, I'd prefer that. But if you feel ambivalent enough to keep suggesting I might want to find somebody else, then we should talk. If you don't think it's working out, you need to tell me that you feel this way, and why. It's not going to work trying to encourage me to leave because I'm not the one having doubts.


T

She replied this way,

T,
Please stop reading what you think is in my mind and additionally misinterpreting my intent. You have now repeated several times that I "keep bringing it up" The other time may have been about 5-6 years ago at another time when you let me know that I had failed or disappointed you in some way. Please stop using words like ambivalence and doubts that do not reflect my sentiments.
Thank you
R

Actually, my t DID bring it up more recently than 4-5 years ago. She also brought it up last year. I remember because I actually researched some t's, but decided not to follow through. And then she brought it up last week. Am I wrong in thinking that she is having doubts about our work together, and wants me to go elsewhere? In her email, she seems to be denying that she feels that way, and that sounds angry with me for "assuming" and "misinterpreting."

I'm not sure what to do. . .